Very sick friend & wondering what to do to help

[dorpo75]

Hi all. This has been weighing heavily on my mind, so I am throwing it out to the folks out here who may have some ideas on what I can do for a friend of mine. She has CA that has recurred and metastasized to two other places. She was 14 years CA free....
I already plan on sending humorous cards and anything tacky that I can find as she would appreciate those.
I pray for her everyday, too. I will give them emotional space as they are going through a rough time.
I don't want to question her or ask too much or dwell on the maudlin as she or her husband will share when they are ready or when they can. Other neighbors and family are bringing over food and helping out that way. They already have a housekeeper and a lawn service and no small children that need to be carted around.
I would like to start a Caring Bridge site for her, but that is again something that will have to be okay'd by her or her husband. I am truly at a loss for what I can do and I feel helpless. She is less than 60 and waaaaaaaay too young to bear this awful recurrence.
Any ideas?

Thanks.

 

[zea3]

Just keeping in touch, letting them know they can talk, vent, or rage as needed and not pushing them to do anything is a great comfort. Sometimes people become all about the disease, to the point where it is all they think or talk about, and that can drive people away. If you see your friend headed that direction, help them to re-focus on what is still good in life. The disease may consume the body but it will only consume the soul if you let it do so.
Sometimes the people around them become all about the disease, and that causes the person to lose hope and give in to depression. Be a lighthouse to that person. Yes, let them know you care and are concerned about their health, but emphasize that who they are is more important than what is happening to them. Nurture the person, feed the friendship, and be a safe harbor from the storm.

 

[LauleaHere&There]

What zea said. Listen. Pay attention. If something needs doin', you'll see it.

 

[woodyp]

Offer a hand, an ear, and a shoulder.

 

[tgmb]

Bear witness. Listen. Don't offer platitudes. Been there. No fun.

 

[dorpo75]

I am very honest with her and won't give her any b.s. or shallow words and she knows this just as she doesn't b.s. me. I just feel so helpless. thank you all for your kind responses.

 

[RWH31]

Zea3 has it bang on!!

I believe that you already are doing what you need to do to help. Would love to have a friend like you to be there for the support you have given your friend. Talk about the experiences and enjoyable moments, look at photos of funny happy times you have shared rather than focusing on worrying about the illness. far too many times people slip deeper into their illness, become depressed and eventually give up hope... snap them out of it, make them laugh even if it means that you have to do something silly. Laughter is the best medicine
You are a great freind and will give your friend the strength to battle the illness again.

She has won the battle once before.

 

[barnyard]

From first hand experience. 9 years ago, my (1st) wife died of brain cancer. The support and nice words are nice, and it IS nice to know that people care. However ..... Is she at home? Is she in the hospital or other care giving facility? I found that I needed a break from either being the caregiver or sitting in the facility. I also know my wife felt guilty having me spend so much time taking care of her or sitting at whatever facility she was in at the time. I got a lot of food, cards, phone calls, promises etc.... but I know what really helped me and really, both of us was when someone would come over and relieve me and someone new would spend some time with her. I could go out and get some needed errands run or whatever I needed (maybe just a nap) and she felt good knowing I had some time to do whatever I needed and she had someone new to spend time with. I am not sure of their situation or your relationship with them but from first hand experience that was one of the best things anyone could have done for us.

 

[oldkayak]

As a cancer survivor myself (14 years this month), I can say that any support you can give will be appreciated. Just knowing that friends are there for you.. in thought... in prayer... in any way is comforting. I remember things being a big blur at times, but I remember the support I received from everyone. I had a friend that would not let me go to chemo appointments alone, at the time I thought I would be ok by myself, but looking back I remember not the treatment itself, but the lunch and shopping she took me to after. Just be there for your friend, take her lead on talking about the situation, she will let you know. My thoughts and prayers for your friend.

 

[dorpo75]

It is with a heavy heart that I write this message. My friend has passed away. She died on Tues evening with family at her side. She was only 59. Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. It is never easy when one loses a friend or family member.

 

[zea3]

I am very sorry for your loss.

 

[RWH31]

My deepest condolences to you and your friends family in your time of sorrow. Celebrate the life that you all shared and cherish the fond memories.

 

[bunedockmama]

I'm very sorry to hear that. I'm sure she knew how much you cared and I also wish I had a friend like you.

 

[SPKNout4CHRIST]

You and all family and friends will be in my prayers.

 

[dorpo75]

You and all family and friends will be in my prayers.

Thank you all for the kind words and condolences. We start school tomorrow and many of the students don't know that she has passed away. It will be a rough few days for sure.