How about a thread for good jokes???

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Melt In The Sun

Melt In The Sun

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Oct 29, 2009
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Tucson, AZ
OK, here we go:

Back in the pirate days of yore, there was a captain in charge of a merchant ship. One day while he was relaxing in his captain's quarters, the lookout burst in saying "Captain! There's a pirate ship approaching off the port beam!" The captain stood up and said "OK, we'll have to fight them off. Bring me my red shirt." The captain donned his red shirt, and the crew managed to fight off the pirates.

A few days later, a similar situation unfolded. The captain was relaxing in his quarters, and the lookout came running in yelling "Captain Captain! There are two pirate ships approaching from starboard!" The captain stood and said "Bring me my red shirt." Again, the crew managed to fight off the pirates. After the battle, the lookout asked the captain, "When we go to battle, why do you always wear that red shirt?" The captain replied, "So if I am wounded, you men won't see the blood and be disheartened."

A few days later, the captain was again in his quarters, when the lookout came running in terrified. "Captain!" he said, his voice shaking, "we are surrounded by 10 pirate ships!" The captain said, "Well then........bring me my brown pants."
 
(borrowed from another site)

SIGNS YOUR SWIMMING POOL NEEDS CLEANING
- That green tarp covering your pool? You DON'T have a tarp on your pool.
- Neighborhood kids ask if they can jump on your trampoline.
- pH is so high, in vitro fertilization is possible.
- Kids still pee in your pool, but they refuse to get in it first.
- Skipping rocks across it causes sparks.
- New algae species attract a Discovery Channel film crew to your backyard.
- The Grim Reaper shows up in his Speedo.
- You can walk on the water, even though you're only the son of Gus.
 
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs... pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a chick with long legs and who agrees with everything I say.'

hehe :whoot:
 
A 6'8 275lb biker with with a huge colorful Blue & Gold Macaw on his shoulder walks into a bar. As the biker approaches the bar he kicks all the stools out of his way and growls loudly while the Macaw lets out a screech loud enough to piece an eardrum.

The bartender and patrons watch with amazement and a bit of fear as the bird spreads his beautiful wings to a 4' wingspan, all the while talking a blue streak to the biker, who answers each sentence with a loud growl and yells "WHISKEY BARTENDER!"

Finally the bartender bravely steps forward and says, "Let me get you a whiskey on the house Mr." He poors a glass and sets the bottle down next to the biker then says, "I just gotta say that your friend is really loud, but just AMAZING and really impressive, where did you get him?"

Finally the Macaw says, "I was sitting in a bar with a bottle of whiskey two weeks ago when this ugly son of a *&# sat down next to me and now I can't get rid of him!"
 
How about a funny story? :-D
My 8 yr old son informed me the other day that the babysitter's Ford had a name. Okay, I say, whats it's name? "Dora" he says. Umm, alright. Why Dora, I ask? Because it's an Explorer, he says. Clever, I think to myself. He goes on to say, "well it IS a girl truck Mom." So I have to ask. "How exactly do you know THAT?"" Easy, he says, It's tailpipe don't stick out!" :shock: LMAO. Don't ask the question if you don't want to know the answer. :oops:
 

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Not a joke, but a funny story.

I've just finished shocking my pool. My first pool, and I was pretty anxious over it, having just bought this house, and not having a lot of money, I wanted to make sure I didn't blow a bunch of money on chemicals.
So, a stressful (to me) week of testing, shocking, testing, shocking, and getting up very early (for me) to check the FC drop test results.
So, finally, this morning, 5:30 AM on a Saturday, I'm out of bed, doing my test. Only a .5 drop!!! I'm done... so I go back to bed.

At 7:30, I'm still in bed, but my wife is in the kitchen. She starts yelling, 'Mark, Mark, there's two ducks in the pool and they're making an awefull mess!'
I come running out to the kitchen, bleary eyed and no glasses, to find her laughing her head off... and NO DUCKS IN SIGHT!!!

Needless to say, she'll be the first one in the pool, if you know what I mean... :rant:

(Yes, I'd throw my own wife in the pool... :) )
 
Not a joke, but a story that was funny at the time and I hope okay to share here:

Many springs ago, before our pool was open for the season, I walked out to the deck to join my husband for morning coffee. With a nod at the pool he asked me which I wanted to rescue. Following his gaze, I spied the four foot pine snake cruising in the water along one wall. Perched atop the thin frame of the return on an opposite wall was a mouse! We chuckled a moment or two over the interesting situation. My DH is fearless except for snakes, but no way was I going to be IT'S rescuer. I took the mouse.-easy to be a savior to a little creature with a handy net! The clocked ticked through his several failed attempts to entice the snake to wrap itself around the vacuum pole, while I'm trying- though not hard- not to laugh. At last! he worked the pole into position and flung that four footer right out into the grass. Then took his shot gun and blew it to kingdom come...and put a nice 'little' hole in the lawn to boot!

*Note: Unlike mice or moles, snakes are not overly common by us, but every few years we see one about this size somewhere. Never before of after has one been in the pool. What are the odds they'd be there together?
 
Well it came time for Bill and Hillary to vacate the White House. While doing some final packing-Hillary found an old dusty trunk in the back of one of the corner closets. Curiosity got the best of her and she opened it up.. Inside she found 3 ears of corn in one corner-- then about 125.00 in bills and plus some loose change in another corner. She really didnt think anything of it.. She had the movers load it up on the moving truck. Later that evening --She asked Bill what that trunk was -- he kinda played it off--" just an trunk I picked up a few years ago" . She then asked what the 3 ears of corn were for-- he turned to her and said " well my love --we have been married for 20+ years now--So every time I was unfaithful to you I placed an ear of corn in there"-- Hillary thought there for a second and said " well I dont guess that is too bad then--just 3 times in 20 years". A few minutes passed --she turned to him again --"so what about the money that was in the other corner " ? ---Well every time I had enough for a bushel --I sold it and just left the money in there :-D
 
THE SKIRT ZIPPER!

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that
her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the
first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached
behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip
her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a
little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little
more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up
easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled 'How
dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'



The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with
you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we were
friends.'
 
So, I have a riddle.

You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right is a sharp drop off, and on your left side is an elephant
traveling at the same speed you are. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo. Your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the Kangaroo.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
 

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